Are you dreading family gatherings this holiday season? Many people find themselves cringing at the thought of family gatherings, due to family conflict. Whether you or another family member are involved in the conflict, here are three tips to help everyone productively share their feelings, understand different perspectives and hopefully, look forward to future family gatherings:
1. Listen with pen and paper or tablet or (name your app):
Without interrupting, each person will be given an opportunity to share three important items of concern, while the other party or parties listen. Before sharing, make sure all parties involved, agree and understand they will refrain from “jumping-in” and “correcting” the person speaking, when they disagree. Instead, all parties need to agree to write those thoughts down and continue listening. The “listening” party will have an opportunity to share their reactions, when it is their turn to speak. (Each person should have the same, reasonable amount of time to speak.)
2. Listen with curiosity.
The listening party should assume the role of “detective,” listening carefully to the words used by the person speaking and sincerely trying to understand what is being said (and what is not being said). When the person is done speaking, repeat back what you heard in order to ensure you heard everything correctly. (Be polite and genuine.) Ask for clarification if you did not hear the message clearly.
3. Validate feelings and acknowledge the pain or discomfort.
The listening party should make all attempts to sincerely acknowledge how the other person feels and how those feelings must have influenced their perspective on events leading up to the conflict. (Even if you do not agree with the other person’s feelings, it is important to acknowledge them.) Explore ways that can improve on communications moving forward.
In the end, you might agree to disagree on how the conflict came to exist but your focus should be on how communication can be improved, moving forward.
Make this holiday season a time to share joy, love and the gift of mending relationships.
Happy Holidays!