Understanding Your "Why"

When my son and I checked-in for his doctor’s appointment a few weeks back, we could not help but overhear a disagreement between a patient and an office assistant. The office assistant refused to allow the patient to see the doctor as a “walk in,” because the doctor was already overbooked and the patient refused to leave until he was seen; concerned, because he ran out of his medication. (Yes. Most pharmacies will provide emergency medications and he likely should have been more vigilant in making sure he had a refill. However, this discussion is focused on how the parties could have resolved the matter that day.) The argument escalated and went on for at least 20 minutes, with each person repeating their respective “positions.” At one point, my son leaned over and said, “maybe you could give them some mediation training?” My son had a good point, (for many reasons).

In mediation, a third party who is not emotionally or otherwise invested in the issue, steps in to hear people out and assist them in looking beyond their “position” and toward their “goal.” Positions are unwavering and often cause people to “dig in their heels,” preventing them from seeing options or alternatives to achieve what they set out to do. In fact, positions often become more engrained, the longer a person holds onto them.

In the example above, the parties had become emotionally invested in their “positions” after 20 minutes of heated discussion; neither party refusing to give in or attempt to problem solve. A good mediator has a way of letting both parties know their “positions” are being heard; setting those positions on a proverbial “shelf;” and helping parties focus on the underlying reasons for their positions. Understanding the “why” behind someone’s “position” opens up multiple avenues of possible solutions.

For example, the person demanding to see the doctor, (position), likely just wanted his prescription refilled (goal) and likely could care less if he actually saw the doctor or not. The office administrator who refused to allow the man to see the doctor, (position), likely wanted to be acknowledged as the “gatekeeper” and given a little respect, (goal). Revealing the underlying goals in the situation, could have presented some solutions: the patient could apologize for being abrasive, explaining their concern of experiencing the side-effects of not taking their medication, resulted in their aggressive behavior. (Yes. Sometimes an apology goes a long way in defusing a situation.) The office administrator could have assured the upset gentleman they would have the doctor call them between patients and also offer to call the patient’s pharmacy, to see if they would provide a two-day supply of medications, to hold the patient over until he could be seen by the doctor. Instead, they continued to argue their positions back and forth until the medical office closed; both parties ending their day without having their goals met and likely, had an awful evening as a result.

If you would like to learn more about resolving conflict with family, co-workers, employers or find yourself facing potential litigation, contact a mediator before your “positions” take over your ability to see your “goals” and avoid litigation. You will not only reduce conflict in your life, but you will look forward to waking up the next day without a dispute hanging over your head, taking up your valuable time, draining your energy and depleting your finances.